- Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave
my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever
it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".
Turns out we’re spending three weeks
behind the fridge.
- A guy walks into his doctors office saying, “Help me,
doctor, I’m shrinking.”
“Hold on,” says the doctor, “Be a
- I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour!
What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
- My ex wife cheated on me
with her deaf best friend.
Honestly, I should have seen
-A shop assistant tried
stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a
Police are now looking for a
man with a price on his head.
- Dentist: “This is going to
hurt a little".
Dentist: “I’m having an
affair with your wife.”
- Why do elephants drink?
- How do you make the number
You just add a G and it’s
- My wife thinks I don't
give her enough privacy.
At least that’s what she
said in her diary.
- Boss texts me: “Send me
one of those funny dad jokes”
Me: “I can’t I’m busy
Boss: “That’s hilarious. Do
you have anymore?”
- My wife said to me: "Why
don't you treat me like you did when we were first
So I took her out to dinner,
to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents’
- The nurse at the sperm
bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty
good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
- My wife got mad at me for
kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under
- My wife is threatening to
leave me because of my obsession with wearing different
clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can
- Did you know a school of
piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds.
Anyway, today I lost
my job at the aquarium.
- Job interviewer: “At the
start you’ll be earning £20,000; later that will
increase to £40,000.
Me: “OK, I’ll come back
- What’s the difference
between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches while the
other watches cells.
- An elderly couple is in
church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one
of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, “Change
the battery in your hearing aid.”
- The guy who stole my diary
My thoughts are with his
- I went to the zoo
yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why,
he said it was “bread in captivity.”
- I told my wife she should
embrace her mistakes...
She gave me a hug.
- My wife tells me I have 2
major faults, I don’t listen - and something else.
- 4 -
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and
pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man
on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet
single women with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it.
The current version has a nasty virus.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to
the supermarket.. They lied, everyone else had their
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we
conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No
The origin of the phrase is unclear. It might have
originated in the early 1700s in other forms, but
was not very popular. It gained popularity in the
mid 1900s, after a stage show called "Out On The
Town" was performed in 1944 and a film by the same
name came out in 1949.