- I can never remember the Roman Numerals
for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500...
-They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm
But to date I’ve made 3 jugs and a
vase and they’re lovely.
- A man walks into his home to realize that all his
lamps were stolen.
He was delighted.
- A priest, a minister, and
a rabbit walk into a blood bank..
The rabbit says, I think I
might be a type o.
-Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
-I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
-My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how
high my heating bill is.
I told him, my door is
-I hate it when people don't know the difference between
your and you're.
There so stupid.
-I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but
-I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said
"It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your
At first I didn't think she
Then I saw her face. Now I’m a bee-leaver.
-A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an
interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do
you call him Tiny?”
Because...he’s my newt
-I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite...
When I got home I realised
I’d only picked seven up.
-People say the back of my head looks really nice.
But I don’t see it
-How much space will Brexit free up in the European
-A guy broke into my house last night and was looking
So I got up and looked with
- I invented a new word today.
- I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
- My son asked me what procrastinate means.
I said: “I’ll tell you
- My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the
dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish
- The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so
I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have a stable WiFi.
-Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking
up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is
better than yours.
Worse case scenario.
-Just finished a book about the greatest basement to
It was a best cellar.
-I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not
I was shocked.
-I just won an award for most secretive person in the
I can’t tell you how much
that means to me.
-I’m organising a charity ball next week for people who
struggle to reach orgasm.
Just let me know if you
-What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the
A wanna bee.
-It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the
-What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of
-You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
-If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
- I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some
-What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to
-My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...
But my wife insists it meant
-My first time using an elevator was an uplifting
The second time let me down.
-My wife accused me of trying to win every argument we
So I told her why that was
-A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was
possible to fly.
They were Wright.
-I got bored watching the earth turn...
So after 24 hours I called
it a day.
-My friend says he’s a compulsive liar...
I don’t believe him.
- My wife is threatening to leave me because of my
obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the
- My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world.
I’m not buying it.
4 - 5 -
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and
pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man
on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet
single women with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it.
The current version has a nasty virus.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to
the supermarket.. They lied, everyone else had their
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we
conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No
The origin of the phrase is unclear. It might have
originated in the early 1700s in other forms, but
was not very popular. It gained popularity in the
mid 1900s, after a stage show called "Out On The
Town" was performed in 1944 and a film by the same
name came out in 1949.