- What’s the difference between ignorance
and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care
- Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team
up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction.
And call it ElonGates
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down
-What sounds like a sneeze and is made of
leather?
A shoe
- Yesterday one of my good friends told
me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their
personal space.
It was a really hurtful thing to say and
completely ruined our bath
- I arrived early at the restaurant last
night.
“Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The
manager asked.
“Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these pizzas to table 6,” he
said.
- People are usually shocked when they
find out I am not a good electrician
- The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180
degrees.”
Now I can’t open the oven as the door
faces the wall
- To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.
That is equestrian
- What do you call an explosive monkey?
A baboom
- Her: Why are the potatoes burnt?
Me: That’s for tomorrow.
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry Day
- Dyslexic man walks into a bra
- Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally
downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything
- A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to
round them up.
I said: “Sure. 70.”
- I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors
- I got fired when I asked a customer if
he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently, the correct terms are
“cremation” and “burial”
- My wife told me to take the spider out
instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.
He’s a web designer.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a
policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion
of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped
due to a lack of evidence
- If I had a dollar for every time I
didn’t know what was going on, I would be like, why am I
always getting this free money?
- What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
-I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling
at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church,
you moron!”
She’s watching our wedding video again
- I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not
a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am
- The average person is really mean
- Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: “Word
- [At parole hearing]
Officer: Why should you be released
early?
Man: I’m...
Officer: Go on.
Man: I think...
Officer: Yes?
Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied
- Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster
- Did you hear about the mathematician
who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
- Did you know that there are no canaries
in the Canary Islands?
And the same thing applies to the Virgin
Islands;
There are no canaries there either
- Interviewer: How do you explain this 4
year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive.You are
hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob
- Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
- “I have a split personality," said Tom,
being frank
- I used to think I was indecisive, now
I’m not so sure.
- “Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets
when they grow up!”
Doctor: “Wow! That’s the worst case of
parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk
to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
- My wife is incredibly smart. When I
called her from my buddy’s phone she answered “hey
love.”
She already knew it was me!
- I was feeling bad about the future
today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
- Friend: Your wife and daughter look
like they could be twins!
Me: Well they were separated at birth.
- A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a
gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all
your money or you’re geography!”
The teller says: “Don’t you mean
history?”
The robber replies: “Don’t change the
subject!”
- A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the
tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots
standing on the track.
