- I was sitting on the toilet and having
a poop when the clock struck midnight. Same shit,
- My dog Minton has eaten all of my
- I broke my finger last week... On
the other hand I’m OK
- A blind person was eating seafood. It
- Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He
stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
- If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...
Then Who is.
- 2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my
hearing. Haven’t heard from him since.
- Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started
off badly but by the end I really liked it.
- Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But
girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
- I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my
job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: “Turn left here.”
- I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man
after what he said to me.
“What did he say?”
- I overdosed on Viagra yesterday. It was the hardest
day of my life.
- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He
couldn’t see himself doing it.
- How many ants does it take to fill an entire
-[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs Right.
-I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low
mileage... Only driven from time to time.
- Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the
What do you get when you remove it?
- What do you call a Thomas Cook flight going backwards?
A receding airline.
-My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt... Or sew it
- This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk
before leaving it in front of my door. How dairy!?
-What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
-What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of
No whey Jose.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said: “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of
So I got her nothing.
- My son tried coffee for the first time today and said
it tasted like dirt.
I told him: “It was just ground this morning.”
- Why are Irish bankers so successful?
Because their capital’s always Dublin
- 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to
light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard
and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
- What rhymes with Orange...
No it doesn’t.
- Man: “Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Man: “Ever since I was Lidl.”
- A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be
the problem?” Asks the doc.
“It’s... um... well... I have five penises,” replies the
“Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?”
“Like a glove.”
- I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top
shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me. He told
me the steaks were too high.
- I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer
with her barcode reader. The look on his face was
- I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the
first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
- The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Get a round? I’ll get a round...
- Genie: What is your
Boy: I wish I were
Genue: weurd but
- I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, "Lobster
Tails £2.00", so I stopped the car, walked over and
handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the
eyes, took a deep breath and said... “Once upon a time
there was this lobster...”
- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther.
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
If number 666 is evil, Then 25.8069758011 is the root of
- So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her
favourite Star Wars character.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.
- My wife left me because I am insecure. No wait. She’s
back. She just went to make coffee.
- I was helping my dad with construction he told me to
get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill.
He said I could have nailed it but I screwed up.
- Last time when I was someone's type..
I was donating blood.
- I don’t understand people who preserve four leaf
They’re really pressing their luck.
- What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time....
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and
pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man
on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet
single women with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it.
The current version has a nasty virus.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to
the supermarket.. They lied, everyone else had their
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we
conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No
The origin of the phrase is unclear. It might have
originated in the early 1700s in other forms, but
was not very popular. It gained popularity in the
mid 1900s, after a stage show called "Out On The
Town" was performed in 1944 and a film by the same
name came out in 1949.