- Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

- If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world... Then Who is.

- 2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing. Haven’t heard from him since.

- Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

- Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

- I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: “Turn left here.”

- I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

“What did he say?”

“You’re fired!”

- I overdosed on Viagra yesterday. It was the hardest day of my life.

- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

- How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment? Tenants.

-[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs Right.

-I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.

- Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

- What do you call a Thomas Cook flight going backwards?

A receding airline.

-My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt... Or sew it seams.

- This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door. How dairy!?

-What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A Yamahaha.

-What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said: “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

- My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt.

I told him: “It was just ground this morning.”

- Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital’s always Dublin

- 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

- What rhymes with Orange...

No it doesn’t.

- Man: “Doctor I feel like a supermarket"

Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”

Man: “Ever since I was Lidl.”

- A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc.

“It’s... um... well... I have five penises,” replies the man.

“Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?”

“Like a glove.”

- I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me. He told me the steaks were too high.

- I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless.

- I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought: “This isn’t for me.”

- The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

 Round? Round...

Get a round? I’ll get a round...

- I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, "Lobster Tails £2.00", so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said... “Once upon a time there was this lobster...”

- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther.

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

If number 666 is evil, Then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

- So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character.

You should have seen the Luke on her face.

- My wife left me because I am insecure. No wait. She’s back. She just went to make coffee.

- I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill.

He said I could have nailed it but I screwed up.

- Last time when I was someone's type..

I was donating blood.

- I don’t understand people who preserve four leaf clovers...

They’re really pressing their luck.

- What do you call a belt made of watches?