- I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and
The odds were against me.
- As a doctor, I never make a joke
about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
- The only thing I have planned for
today is to get my new glasses.
Then I’ll see what happens.
- Her: At least invite me
out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with
Her: But I’m your wife.
Him: I make no exceptions
What do you call a sad strawberry?
- I've just started up
a dating site for chickens.
It's not my normal day
job, I'm just doing it…
To make hens meet.
- My roommate says our
house is haunted.
But I’ve lived here
for 300 years and not noticed anything unusual.
- I asked my wife for
an audio book this Christmas, but she got me an
That speaks volumes.
- I have this
incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped
It’s a gift.
- Yesterday my doctor
told me my chronic diarrhoea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
- I'm friends with 25
letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
- All my life I've
wanted to learn how to juggle.
I just never had the
balls to do it.
- Barber: Mr. Bond,
you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to
colour your hair?
James Bond: No thank
you. Dye another day.
- Where do lizards go
to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop.
- What is the least
spoken language in the world?
- Why do cow milking
stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has
-A guy died from
laughing too much.
It was manslaughter.
- Did you here about
the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
- I showed the damaged
remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether
I can sue the airline.
He said you don’t have
much of a case.
- Guy at a grocery
store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do
Egg plant: Yeah, why
do you ask?
How much does Santa pay to park his
Nothing. It’s on the
- Just lost my job as
In my defence there
were signs everywhere saying “please don’t feed the
- I am giving up
drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out
I am giving up.
Drinking for a month
I think my calendar is trying to kill
My days are numbered
- Don't be worried
about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner
has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s
He’ll be born in
I was trying to figure out why the
ball kept getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
- In an effort to
bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve
been saying “muchos” a lot more recently.
It means a lot to
- To the guy who stole
I hope you’re happy
Why did the man fall into a well?
He couldn’t see that
- How much does it
cost to buy a large singing group?
Ok, fine. How much
does it cost to “acquire” a large singing group.
This morning, I accidentally ran into
the man who once sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
- Working at an unemployment
office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired you
still have to come in the next day.
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and
pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man
on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet
single women with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it.
The current version has a nasty virus.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to
the supermarket.. They lied, everyone else had their
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we
conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No
The origin of the phrase is unclear. It might have
originated in the early 1700s in other forms, but
was not very popular. It gained popularity in the
mid 1900s, after a stage show called "Out On The
Town" was performed in 1944 and a film by the same
name came out in 1949.